happiness dont last.
so exams are over and i thought yay!! i can havoc!! i can have a break!! after all the studying and stress...although i have been so relaxed and care free...
But yeah i was so happy...was...
can you imagine....my parents think im gonna fail....they want me to start studying again, my modules, to prepare for the retake exams....
i dont know what to do anymore...the problem is that its my fault anyway they expect me to fail because i will...
I always do.....they know me too well....i will fail
Im so confused...do they not have faith in me? or are they looking out for me, they want me not to fail and if i do then this next time i will be prepared? if so, is that a good thing?
Why do my parents have such low standards of me? I HATE MY LIFE! i dont get why i just get myself hurt on purpose...its all my fault because i didnt study enough i didnt put effort in my exams, since i was young i was too relaxed and these are the consequences. Parents who have low expectations from you/ of you...they get frustrated, and this is what they do. They stop trusting you.
so i guess i give in? is it right for me to be angry that they think so low of my efforts...is it right for me to be angry becuz my parents think i am going to fail? is it justifiable?
I have to hide to cry so that they wont know how i feel, to laugh when im in front of them...should i be doing this? should i even be crying?
Truth, even if they see me cry...they wont say "dont cry" they wont apologise...it will just be another scolding cause its my fault i didnt study enough. I cant ask them, "why dont you just have faith in me", i cant cause i broke their hearts so many times...they trusted me to do well, to at least pass so many times...until they just cant trust me anymore. NO MORE and its all my fault....
so pick yourself up sarah! study and prove to them!!! Its not to late to show it to them! they are doing this for your own good! dont sit in front of you computer and whine!!
I Confess I Messed Up
11:53 PM
EXTRA
I need to stop being the extra all the time...i need to stop my one child syndrome, take away this ego and make it clear to myself that all my actions have consequences....i need to stop pissing people off, for all those who i have pissed off, forgive me pls and give me one more chance pls...greatly appreciated...sorry....
and yes i need to stop being a bitch all the time... I CAN CHANGE!!!
I Confess I Messed Up
3:06 PM
Bimbo Sarah hmmm???
okay so it has been brought to my attention recently that i sounded bimbotic in my quiz.....
what is a bimbo?
so i did some research on the term bimbo, with research i mean wordweb and got this.....
firstly its a vulgarity, secondly it means a young woman indulged by rich and powerful older men.
thanks a lot helen uh huh...its so weird that we cliche the term bimbo, i understand why we call Paris Hilton a bimbo, cause she is not that intelligent but super hot....but to cliche a bimbo as someone who wants to go for plastic surgery...thats not right....does gastric bypass fall under vanity column?
the quiz was done for the fun of doing it, the ans are supposed to be funny and exagerated...wasnt it funny?? i cant believe you Helen! tsk tsk to call you my friend....tsk tsk...lol
i wont go for any nip and tucklah....its just cool to think about it, but no never....i like the way i am.. :)
but still...haha! i went around my house to look for pink stuff, results...
1) my room is full pink -the cupboards, the walls, the lamp shades, the ceiling is rose white so its pinkish and my bed spread.
2) i have a stationery "post it" thingy that is pink
3) my OP pencil case
4) my moms syringe, the liquid is pink
5) my flesh under my nails are pink...
wow i am a bimbo.
*shocked* I Confess I Messed Up
3:25 PM
hahahaha!!! LOL!!! YES Helen....i did the quiz...i dont like doing blog quizes though but yeah....why not....SO i did it!! was it good hehehe....???
and there is something wrong with my blog though so sad....my tagboard appears weird:(
oh wells, i want this blog to be positive but i cant nothing is going good!! argh!! haha as in...yeah...good things happen like how i ate super good durian today SUPER GOOD!! and YUMMY steamboat....haha....and a good drive.....oh how i love car rides...or truck rides or bus rides...but train rides. They are a bit boring not so much to see....no traffic lights so there is no one to stare at, like at the next car....haha! ooo truck is the best haha! you face the people haha!!! so funny...but usually i try to avoid eye contact cuz i get motion sickness.... :)
anyway i got my phone bill today!!!! ARGH!!! $100!! sia!! omg i was like oh my gosh...what the rubbish!! never...how come so much!! its usually the most $30!! I am so angry with myself!! i had 1874 sms!! i mean since when do i sms so much....i never ever hit the 500 mark! i saved my $50 now my dad is going to take it away from me.....darn it!! no magnum almond ice cream for me.... :*( so sad...and i have been wating lots of time...and my maths is horrible...im so scared....really really scared....super scared argh!! i dont know what to do...
oh gosh...well i should go back to parasites now!! bb bloggie....hehe sounds like boggie... I Confess I Messed Up
1:17 AM
here it goes...
1.What disappoints you the most??
Myself
2.Where would you go if someone sponsors you an air ticket?
New Zealand....???.....Korea....??? Actually i wouldnt go anywhere, unless i go there with the person or people i love...
3.Whats your favourite things to do?
Day Dream....SHOP....Hang Out with frens... :)....KBox!
ohoh!!! CLUBBING ahaha...never done it but im sure i will love it!! LOL!!(had opportunities though... :( )
4.Do you think money can buy you happiness?
Ofcourse!! but....its not the only thing that can give me happiness...
5.If you had one dream to come true,what will it be?
To make my parents proud...after 17 years of failure i have to make this dream come true....no matter what!
6.Do you believe in love at first sight?
YES!!!! haha...amanda you know why...hehe...(yesungie!!!)
7.What are u afraid to lose?
My Family, My friends, My Humour
8.If you win one million,what would you do?
I would buy a yacht!!! go for plastic surgery.....erm....oh yes! give my grandmother a shopping spree in Milan and Monaco
9.What do you dream of doing in future?
weirdly...holding my baby or watching over my babIES, looking out at the sunset, from my beach front mansion...hehe...i told you it was weird and i didnt mention stupid lol...
10.What do you want most right now?
TIME
11.Do you believe in fate?
yes.
12.What do you think it is the most important in your life?
hehe...i know...but nothing is more important in my life than God....second to that is my memories...and sadly i have very bad memory, so i cherish whatever i can recall...
13.Who are the ones that can make you very happy when you're super upset no matter when?
My Friends...KH HY and 10!! haha!! My Comforter...hehe
14.If you have a chance to choose, would you like to come back in time?
haha! i want to invent a time machine!! so yeah duh!! hehe...to be able to try a time machine...gosh! that should be under dreams....!! the ans is YES!
15.What is the thing you'd want to do before dying?
woah this is hard SO MANY THINGS!!! well...
1) Kill jerk head, wiki, SA...he has many names
NO WAIT! Torture then Kill...uh huh...!
LOL...hmm...just before dying? like the min before my last breath? Thank the people i love, even if they dont love me back, for the time they spent with me....
16.What is the stupidest thing you have done?
haha!!!! i wondering when this question will come!!!
the stupidest thing, the thing i regret the most...is the quarrel with my grandfather, it was the last thing i did with him before he passed....
17.How do you feel when someone important ignores you?
gosh!! this questions are making me so depressed....err...i feel ignored?
more like shocked and betrayed....
18.Name two of the most memorable presents you have ever received, and why?
my MAYDAY PARADE ALBUM!!! cause its my first present from my poly homies!!! and the philosopher stone, the book...i can never forget that day...never....cause it was the first time i received a book as a present especially never one this amazing and captivating!
19.Have you ever like a person until u are willing to dead for him or her?
Never...but loved someone enough to die for the person, like a family member, if i had to i would.
20.Have you ever felt dead before?
hmmm....well thats tough, i might have felt dead, but was probably feeling too dead to know that i was feeling dead.
Instructions:Remove 1 question from above and add in your personal question, make it a total of 20 questions then tag 8 people to do this in your list, list them out at the end of this post. Notify them through their tagbox- hehe i dont know anyone else...how sad is tt haha...so i will tag gabby!!! why dont the people i know have blogs!!
I Confess I Messed Up
9:15 PM
mummies...
wow i feel like i havent posted, maybe its because i havent posted in a while...
omg im listening to disco music and jazz...like you make me feel like dancing by leo sayer hahaha and george benson......argh!! his guitar skills!!! his voice...I LOVE HIM...okay yeah...
oh gosh im back in my own little bubble...lol need to get out...err...yeah nothing much to update...i lost a bit of weight but i still need to make my nose smaller my face less pimples and and lose say...8 more kg yeah...and grow 20 cm hahaha!! ohoh not forgetting i need to do something about my HAIR its been too stagnant?? should i cut it short but i tried that already and it didnt come out well...ohoh!! highlight my hair red or orange!! oh wells...ill leave that to another day to decide got other more important things to do...
anyway...i need to complain again!! some people...argh!! i cant stand her mood swings and she makes me so angry...that i yell back at her...she comes up with these ridiculous...argh forget it...go and shitz off!! I mean seriously what the rubbish!!!
anyways.....i made a huge mistake last night, not gonna talk bout it but yup i had no choice i had to do it, he was pissing me off....IM SORRY you will know who you are when you find out, which i hope you dont... I Confess I Messed Up
2:12 PM
tears and pain
She felt her first pain today, she was gasping for air....and uncle sonny grabbed her...and she looked so confused...and she kept asking "what is going on why do i feel pain?" "i only cough, cough only" I cant take this....cant see uncle sonny cry...cant see her cry...
Aunty margeret told her to believe have faith miracles happen...i want tt faith i want it...
She moved to the cancer ward today and saw all the weak skin and bone ladies, with no hair and no smiles....
Anyways doctors say slim chance chemo will work , she could possibly have 6 months or less. i am just going to have faith....and pray. I Confess I Messed Up
10:23 PM
Mirror
A hurting heart today as well With this, I stand in front of the mirror And see my form The saddest form in the world I think about it every time I erase it Whether you for a little bit, for a moment Were weary too Everything about me Don’t let it go and just follow me Like a mirror, that person as well As much love as I gave them Couldn’t they just follow me Heart, I’m so sorry You want to be loved too I only give you heartache Heart, I’m so sorry I want to be with her always But only separation comes out of it Like an echo, I’m always a couple steps behind Even if I tell you I love you A thousand times With the simple words of telling me to forget you We part I try to hate you, Saying you’re bad and that I’m going to erase you But when I do that My heart punishes me more Saying not to do that, that sometime Should you return to me I’ll foolishly lean on you Heart, I’m so sorry You want to be loved too I only give you heartache Heart, I’m so sorry I want to be with her always But only separation comes out of it Like an echo, I’m always a couple steps behind If you look at my reflection My form starts to resemble you There’s no difference between us In my eyes it’s just you, my heart You’re the only one that shines What should I do, this is really the end I cry and call out to you, holding on No matter what I do It’s no use I believe I’ll be able to smile Tears fall in my heart Even as time passes by It’ll only worsen the scars Heart, I’m so sorry If you come to love another person You’d be able to forget this pain and live Heart, I’m so sorry Love speaks of eternity But reality speaks of separation My terrible self might be reluctant to let go I’m going to miss it
Labels: aheeyah.com done by jungie
I Confess I Messed Up7:17 PM
faith
the doctors say "anytime" I Confess I Messed Up
12:07 PM
Trials
This is it!! why does all these bad things happen to me!!! i am weak, physically and mentally and emotionally....i dont even have the strengh to cry anymore, Ive cried so much this year....I LOVE HER so much!! why Lord why give me these trials... Why make her suffer....she wont be able to handle it. I cant handle it.
i cant stop feeling this hurt in my chest, like a spear piercing my heart. This pain so unreal...i wish it will all be a dream...
I wished that what happened was all just a dream...i just cant believe it, its so hard to grasp....
I feel i am being tested, my faith is being tested and i tell myself i have to be strong but i cant there is just too much and i cant stay strong anymore. I am ready to take my last breath...
But if i give up now who is going to stay strong for my mom...I need to be there for my mom, seeing her like this i know i have to be strong. The lady who went through suffering all her life is going through her biggest test. Most painful test.
Im drained, thank you 10 for helping me today....but yeah it has spread to her lungs, liver and her womb is gone definitely. the thing is she doesnt know.... I Confess I Messed Up
6:02 PM